For some reason
John heavily annotated my twelve pages [of memories of and thoughts about our mother].
I began
impersonally:
Shocked by his mother’s suicide, Peter Handke decided to write his
memories of her. He thought that such a sorting out would make her more real to
him, that he could learn to know her better, that he could save at least her
memories by writing about her. He began confidently; but the more he wrote the
less he understood his mother. . . . As the book progresses the paragraphs grow
shorter and finally dwindle to fragments. At the end Handke writes: “I’ll write
more exactly about her later.”
John ignored the
theory. His first note is an answer to my question about place: “Junior Sunday School. Montpelier, Idaho. Or
was it Paonia, Colorado? Sunday after Sunday she stood in front of us and
taught us to sing. Filled with her warmth, basking in her love, bursting with
pride that she was my mother, I told myself she was the most beautiful woman in
the world.”
Montpelier, John wrote.
I mentioned a
few memories from Montpelier, including acting in some play or pageant, an ignominious role that required lipstick.
John wrote: it was in Farmington for me, living at Grandpa's. I didn't go to
school, because it took soap to wash the lipstick off. I'd already had my mouth
washed out with soap.
I remembered
feigning cramps to avoid swimming lessons in the freezing water of Bear Lake.
John noted: never knew you pulled the same stunts. You were my idol. I wrote
about ice skating, and John commented: frozen hands, no ability, too young, not
as good as you -- ever, till manhood.
Manhood.
I mentioned
“early, happy memories in a less-than-pleasant physical environment (our little
house out of place among the warehouses butted up against the railroad track):
Mom gave meaning to those early, potentially destructive years. What I don’t
remember from that time is a sense of shame.” John drew a line from the word
“destructive” to the margin and wrote: for you, no! for me, yes! For some
reason he crosses out the word “shame” and writes no humanity.
John placed a
cryptic “NS” after a paragraph about a photo of Mom as an object of desire. Did my mention of our parents’ sexuality
please him? Disturb him? Or does NS stand for a sarcastic “No Shit!”
Beside a
paragraph describing a long family hike around Shiprock and the sleepy ride
home made electric by the sight of my newly captured bull snake crawling up
Mom’s leg, John wrote: I remember this. I didn't want to go. He often didn’t
want to go. There were times when the sheer size of our family made me wince as well.
I wrote: “Kneeling around the table for family prayer.”
John filled the margin with: Remember when Carol was saying the prayer and the
phone rang. She hurried her prayer, jumped up, and grabbed the phone.
"Heavenly Father," she said, and dropped the phone. Even Mom, next to
the phone, was laughing and coughing so much that she could hardly answer the
phone, which was for her.
I recounted a
fond memory: “One night I awoke to
find Dad shaking my shoulder. He hurried me into Sunday clothes and rushed me
off to the Elk’s lodge where he and Mom had gone to hear an Australian boys’
choir. I thoroughly enjoyed the second half of the program; but my strongest
memory is of gratitude that they went out of their way to share the experience
with me.” John commented, with an interesting choice of prepositions:
Never did this to me.
I described Mom hobbling around the house with a broken
toe, the victim of her temper, and asked “How did the sides of her mouth
survive those vicious chewings?” John's comment is Ya!!
Then there is my
statement about “the tender new mother
(for the eighth time) with baby Jeff,” to which John affixed the words:
Another brother. A year after Jeff was born John did a science-fair project
nicely related to those family population pressures: “The Effects of Different
Amounts of Space on the Number of Fruit Flies (Drosophila melanogaster)
Produced in the F1 Generation.”
Next to my
memory of hiking trips with Mom and Dad, John noted his own memory: Mom a Cub
Scout Den Mother while pregnant with Jeff. Pregnant lady followed by ten cub
scouts. Very humorous.
There’s a
paragraph about picking up Paul from his mission in Zurich, about the testimony
meeting at which Mom emphatically described her visit, just a week before, to
Christ’s garden tomb: “I can’t help
but think of Sesemi Weichbrodt’s words at the end of Thomas Mann’s Buddenbrooks: ‘It is so!’ she said with all her strength and glared at the others.
She stood there – a victor in the good fight. She had fought her life-long
against doubts from her school-teacher rationality – bent, tiny, shaking with
conviction, a small, fierce, enthusiastic prophetess.’” John wrote: She,
as Mom, are victors!!
After my description
of Mom as a fine and strict first-grade teacher, ending with “I wonder how the children view Mrs. Abbott?”
John noted: An invigorating teacher like Mrs. Anderson, my 1st teacher. Teaches
from love, not $. They viewed her as I viewed Mrs. A., a Goddess. I've seen her
students introduce her to their parents. I've seen parents thank Mom for being
their children's first grade teacher. Mom's a teacher like Dad was. Mom, they
need you.I praised Mom’s
grit after Dad was killed: “The
determined Mother and provider, back in school again at a ripe middle age.
Surely an act of courage. But then again, she enjoyed it so much. No one would
ever choose that route, but Mom positively flourished.” John expressed
regrets I recognize: I disappeared for quite a few years. No help. No
compassion. Nothing. Thanks Mom. I love you.
I
criticized Mom’s frenetic walking habits, antithetical to contemplation and
conversation, and John again defended her: No, she thinks more as she picks up
speed. Give the woman credit. She's good at being a friend, even if she's
herself. Scott, did you give her a chance to be herself? Probably not! Just you
as her son yet intelligent? I spent 2 months with my mother. She won't accept
what I do, but we finally became friends.
John, how could
you become friends if she won’t accept what you do? You argue here for
accepting her, for letting her be herself; but what if “herself” is
antithetical to “yourself”?
Then so be it,
you answer back. She took me in for two months when I needed a break. She is my
mother.
I referred to
Mom as a grandmother. John wrote: I've never seen Mom as a grandmother. I guess
it's because I have no family but the one I grew up with, except for Carol's
kids.
John had advice
for me when I admitted that it’s best for me not to talk politics with Mom:
You're afraid!! I spent 2 months with Mom. You have to make her be honest, and
you have to be honest in discussion. It's not easy, but it works!
In one entry I
tried to analyze difficulties I have talking with Mom: “Those phone conversations when Mom asks: How are you doing? Always an
awkward silence because I know she really wants to know. And doesn’t. No matter
how well I am doing, an honest response makes her worry and sets me up for an
even more searching question the next time she calls. But if I don’t tell her
the truth, we don’t communicate either.” No!! John wrote. Scott, what's
a mother to do? She loves us. We don't let her accept us and we don't accept
her as her. We have to accept each other! Mom's a person herself. Share her
right to believe! Are we friends, my brother?
This question
undoes me every time I read it.
“It’s a pleasure
to see how proud Mom is of us,” I wrote, and John noted, with his trademark
double exclamation points: She's even proud of me!!
My fragmentary
essay ended with the words: “Merry
Christmas, Mom. I love you dearly.”
John added
sentiments that quicken my heart: Love you too my brother!
It is a
conversation of sorts. One text engenders another. The disturbed man who told
his sister she was dead defends his mother and expresses love for his brother.
The man who claims to have no desires reveals how he values his mother’s pride.
Precious words,
heart-rending in their fixed paucity.